He will not divide us!” is a slogan that has been echoed among concerned American citizens since election night. With cult-like fanaticism and cadence, protesters have made their collective voice heard in defiance and resistance of the current administration. However, despite the best efforts of leftist thought leaders like Keith Olbermann and Shia LeBeouf, (God rest his soul) the nation now seems more divided than ever.
In recent weeks, the fringiest of fringe groups on polar opposite sides of the political spectrum have retaken the national spotlight. In true comic book villain fashion, the Ku Klux Klan and neo-Nazi organizations have come back from the dead yet again. Bravely opposing them is the militant wing of the American left and the arch nemesis of white supremacy and Starbucks windows, Antifa, the “anti-fascists” who commit to civil disobedience in opposition to capitalism and white supremacy.
In events that bear an eerie resemblance to Weimar Germany’s clashes between communists and brownshirts, these ideologies have met violently recently, most notably in Charlottesville, Virginia. With the far ends of the political compass pulling at the seams of the nation, it now seems that “he” has, indeed divided us (“he” being our orange god-emperor who is not to be named).
Lucky for Antifa and the Klan, it doesn’t have to be this way! What would you, yes you, the (pick one) white supremacist/multicultural Stalinist reading this, say if I told you that your true ally is right there on the other side? Under that (pick one) white hood/black balaclava is an actual mirror-image.
Don’t believe me? Look a little closer. You’ll find that your new best friends get along on many hot button topics! For starters:
You both hate the government.
Whether it be a white supremacist, hetero-dominated, patriarchal, homophobic racism machine or the neo-Zionist, white genocide-waging, foreigner-infiltrated conspiracy, I think it’s safe to assume you think the government is out to get you. I think this is a great opportunity for some bonding, so share what Molotov cocktails and urine bottles you have left from the last rally, or maybe just carpool. Once united, you will have a much easier time sticking it to the institutions that keep you down. However, when faced with the arduous task of bringing down the government, you need somebody powerful enough to make sure all the revolutionaries stick together. What you need is a strong leader with absolute authority, which leads me to your next shared interest:
You both love the government.
(Pick one) Trump/Obama? No, you’ve got to think much bigger than that if you’re going to topple the shadowy forces oppressing you. You need somebody who can really rile the people up and rally them to the cause. You need a brand new (pick one) Adolf Hitler/Joseph Stalin. Now there’s a guy that can not only get things done, but will also straight up murder anybody who opposes the will of the people. The people being him, of course. If you can successfully imitate the most famous leader of your movement, the very embodiment of your whole ideology, you will rally thousands to your crusade. It also helps to have government employees on hand to make sure nobody interferes with your violent and nonsensical speech. (Remember that liberals get the bullet, too!) Which reminds me…
You both hate free speech.
Free speech is nothing but a nuisance, right? I mean can you believe those (pick one) Nazis/communists can spread their vile rhetoric in OUR country? I mean our soldiers fought and died so that (pick one) Nazis/communists wouldn’t infect our youth with their lies! Someone should really do something about them, and since you have a complicated relationship with government, why not take matters into your own hands? Like clockwork:
You both use intimidation tactics.
There’s nothing like covering your face, gathering your friends and attacking the innocent to get your point across. From burning crosses to beating Trump-supporting veterans, from driving a car into a crowd of people to smashing up your local Starbucks, there are a plethora of ways to violently intimidate your opponents while maintaining your status as an anonymous coward. Just grab a torch or a stick and you’re good to go.
You think mass genocide is a-okay.
Despite putting together a foolproof ideology, there will always be a few wrong-thinkers or undesirables that don’t exactly fit the party’s vision. Look no further than your heroes of old for the solution! Surely Nazis and communists agree that killing only a few million, or dozen million, of those dissenters will make the road to progress much smoother.
You are both socialists.
Yes, you are. It is interesting how the only difference between a democratic socialist and a national socialist is the word that comes before “socialist.”
America does not have to be divided. Nazis and communists shouldn’t fight, because in the end they really do want the same thing: an authoritarian government with absolute power to marginalize or kill (whatever works) anyone who looks, speaks or thinks in an unsatisfactory manner.
Before finishing, I suppose I should offer some tips for the vast majority of the United States, which chooses not to identify with either ideology. Our job is much easier: ignore them, promote limited government, speak your mind, be nice to each other, refrain from genocide and maintain a free market. Emphasis should be placed on the first one.
—J. Thomas Perdue is Associate Editor at The Arch Conservative.