Raising the Standard at UGA since 2013.

California Under Bernie

Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

And you thought marijuana legalization was the last step.


If you asked 100 people where our country would be in a few years, they all would undoubtedly have completely different guesses. You would probably encounter a few pessimists as well who think Trump will be the cause of the death of the human race. But I can tell you exactly what’s in store for this great nation in the coming years; and it’s not World War Three. The real fun will be internally, not internationally.

The date is January 1st, 2020. Remember Bernie Sanders? The socialist and Democratic Party’s runner-up in last year’s primaries suffered what was a surprisingly close and somewhat rigged defeat. After his defeat, Bernie didn’t just end his political career. Bernie took initiative and decided to move to California, the poster-child for his form of politics. With all of the hipsters and the left-minded environment that overwhelms California, Bernie quickly regained support in his community. He went on to win the gubernatorial position in California with ease. Bernie quickly created a communalist economy, quite different from the rest of the country.

Even with everyone rallying behind their new leader, the racism and bigotry persisted in the American ‘one percent,’ a category in which he lumped all those who lived above the poverty line. This truly perturbed Governor Sanders. He couldn’t understand how to rid his new home state of all the evil.

After realizing that all hate and intolerance can be alleviated through daily ‘relaxation breaks’ or ‘smoke sessions’ as Californian social vernacular would call them, Sanders fought hard for compulsory marijuana smoking laws in the state of California.

Some called it, quite simply, “the greatest ‘highdea’ there had ever been.” A few months into 2018, California passed a law requiring residents of the state to participate in at least one ‘relaxation break’ a day, with the purpose of consuming marijuana.

For the first six months, California was the place to live. Everyone was constantly friendly, the crime rate plummeted, and faith in our political system was at an all time high. Things could not be going better on the west coast.

It took about a year for the more long-term effects to finally kick in. Due to a number of complaints about insensitive language, the ‘relaxation breaks’ went from daily to hourly. Apathy for anything other than “living in the moment” was universal.

The Californian people were completely oblivious to the effect the legislation would have in the near future. Without anyone even noticing (likely because they were making their way through the Grateful Dead Discology recently released into the public domain), the unemployment rate reached a staggering 30 percent.

Residents seemed to realize the catastrophe only when they carelessly took their routine stroll over to the Taco Bell on the corner to find that it was closed due to a lack of employees.

Shops closed everywhere and Bernie, on his heels thanks to the state’s recent strife, expectedly blamed it all on ‘the man.’ The state was in debt millions due to the unemployment benefits and, because their compulsory weed laws were in violation of Federal Law, the U.S. Government was less than accommodating when California needed a bailout.

It didn’t take long for the state government to be overthrown. The U.S. Government forced the entire population to move so they could restructure the state. After a year of reconstruction, the national government opened up New Cali to the public. New Cali is now a vacation destination only. There are no homes; only hotels, amusement parks, and beautiful beaches. The proceeds from the entire state go to government and maintaining the state.

Now back to present day. Next time you regret not going out to vote for Bernie Sanders, just remember what possibly could have been for this entire nation. Devastation.

This piece has been adapted from an article of the same name in the Spring 2017 Edition of  THE ARCH CONSERVATIVE Magazine.

-TJ Collins is a junior studying economics. He is the Business Manager at The Arch Conservative.